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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Hmm.. today's a not so good day..

Haiz.. I dunno wat to say bout myself.. I just.. Nothing in the world I do seems rite. Even the thing that I am enjoying doin is not showing. Isit bcos last year I had the enthusiasm, but this year, I only have fear. Fear that I might not do wat I last time considered as a failure result. Scared that even can't achieve wat my former self can achieve.. Wat's happening??

I noe today I must have disappointed many. But most importantly, I disappointed myself. Why?? Isit that god must always play a prank on me?? Let me fail in the most ugly way?? Or this is a blessing in disguise?? I dunno.. I dont wanna tink anymore. It seems that so many things are slipping away. All aspects of my life. Even the 1 I treasure most and will fall back n seek consolance in it. This may b the 1st hurdle but it speaks volume. I am not performing. I seriously have cold feet and "lactic acid" that is not supposed to have even b4 doin anything. Cing all the happy faces today achieving their personal targets, but why?? WHy?? me I nvr achieve wat I set out to do. I will learn from this lesson, but learning and achieving is 2 different things. I have little time left.. Wat will happen in the future is like so close. The end of 1 part of my life is coming and I feel that I did not achieve anything. It's like.. All the promises all the dreams and fantasies that I can only think of in my virtual world is not integrating into my present life. It's just not. People may say that I can. But somehow, I don't feel it.. I dunno.. perhaps, I just loss the mind over body thingy. Now things for me seems to run on pure skill. Where's my youthful jubilance and anticipation that I had last year. All it seemed to run away from me since the day I cut my foot on that Siloso Beach. Don't let my fairytale end so soon can?? The stories of underdogs giv many hope and it gave me too. I realised that 1 element that seprates the favourites from the underdogs is their spirit. The nvr b afraid N chiong spirit. It's like so encouraging to c it in action. So.. If I can have only 1 wish, I pray for fairytales to happen..

However, saying so much, Deep down in my heart, I noe, races lost can b won again. Techniques loss, can b regained. Cos these are physical things that can b achieved. But something in the world that is so strong yet so far away from me.. Something that effort can't achieve. That is the something that is most dear to me..

Random thoughts: Am I good enough?? Or all these time, I am just a whimp hiding and refusing to acknowledge reality??

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When Will I Be Brave Again?? out
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